Megan Lebo

"Just be. Its what the world denies you" – Brandon Heath

Month: January, 2012

The battleground of artistic temperament…

“Artistic temperament sometimes seems a battleground, a dark angel of destruction and a bright angel of creativity wrestling.” – Madeleine L’Engle

I often find that creativity seems to accompany great turmoil and intense pain.  At times it feels that there is no other channel for which to navigate the complexity of human emotion.  Now that doesn’t mean that  hurt and pain bring forth ones artistic expression without difficulty.  On the contrary I have found that the most difficult stages of life seem only to incite a great necessity for artistic expression, not great ease.

Sometimes the act of creating is the only way to find peace.

Many people have difficulty understanding the temperament of an artist.  Its not unusual.  Most of the time I don’t think we fully understand ourselves.  Artists are often viewed as free-spirited and whimsical, which may be accurate at times.  But in truth (at least what I’ve found to be true) it feels that we are constantly trying to break free of some bond that has taken root in our life.

I don’t know, maybe thats just me, but I seem to only feel freedom when I’m creating.

But this world likes to tell you that its not practical to be an artist.  How will you pay for yourself?  Do you know how many people are trying to make it in the music industry?   Everyones an artist.  You are just not being practical.

I understand the money thing.  I do.  But you don’t understand what it feels like to feel that society was just not established with you in mind.

I’m worn out with feeling like I have to apologize for the way that I am.  I’m tired of feeling like I have to suppress my creativity in an attempt to feel normal and accepted by the standards of society.

I’m ready to let go!

The thing is, I’m not sure I really know how to let go.  You’ve never let me.  I’ve tried to meet expectations and have failed.  Not only have I failed but I feel that I have lost a part of myself.  I’ve lost the ability to channel.  I’m high strung and insecure and there is a wall that I’ve built up that seems to have gotten too high.  I can’t seem to climb over it anymore.

The only solution now is to knock it down.  But its going to be a lot harder to knock down that wall than it would be if I could just climb over it.

I know who I am now.  I’m not a teacher.  I’m not an accountant.  I’m not calculated and I’m not organized.  All I can think about is expressing things in a new and fresh way.  New words, new colors, new moves.  I understand emotions and tend to see through people.  I get poetry.  But ultimately and most importantly when I’m creating, I experience fulfillment.  And when all is said and done, and the song is finished, at the end of extracting that which causes such unrest, I experience peace.

And that peace makes it all worth it.

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A brand new chapter…

They say that one can work out for a long time and not see any weight loss, and then suddenly it kicks in and BOOM you’ve lost 10lbs.  They say that sometimes you don’t lose lbs. because in reality your gaining muscle mass.

Thats what THEY say.

All of the people that already look like superstars.  “Hang in there your doing great!”  They say.  “You can really tell that you’ve lost weight!”  They say.  But in reality you know exactly what that scale is gonna tell you.  As you place your feet one at a time upon that dreadful piece of equipment, designed only to measure just how your gonna feel about yourself the rest of the week, the numbers race up.  Then those unholy numbers begin toggling.  Up and down up and down.  “Oh, please be kind to me this week and choose the lesser number, please!”  It seems to consider your request for a moment, but only a moment before it decides that the cruelty of truth is much more entertaining than the alternative.

There it is.  The exact same number thats been haunting you since last month when you began this ridiculous workout routine.  Doesn’t this stupid machine realize how hard you’ve been working?!?!

I will say though that despite the lack of real weight loss I HAVE seen significant improvement in myself.  And maybe I am losing the fat but gaining muscle mass.  Yes.  Thats the scenario I’m sticking with.  Besides, my main reason in even beginning this workout was so that I could be ready to take on the world of New Zealand backpacking.

Thats right I haven’t really told you what I’m doing!

I am taking off for three weeks, meeting up with a handful of people from Israel that I’ve never met, and we are going backpacking through the great country of New Zealand!  I have ALWAYS wanted to go to New Zealand.  Ever since I saw the movie The Lord of the Rings.  Yes, I know, how very nerdy of me.  But its true.

I have never done anything like this before in my life!  I’ve always been a “villa on the beach” kind of girl when it came to vacations.  The times that I’ve been camping were not memories that I recall fondly.  I remember cold nights with very little sleep and very large bugs.  I don’t do bugs.

But I do enjoy adventures.  And beautiful scenery.  Despite my tendency to be somewhat high maintenance (especially when it comes to sleep) I’m EXTREMELY excited!!!  I mean who gets this kind of opportunity?  Certainly never me.  I’m the girl that has waited all her life for something this exciting to happen!  Ok, so I HAVE been to Israel before.  3 times.  And I loved it.  🙂

I leave one week from today.  Its gonna take me about 2 days to get over there including an 8 hour layover in L.A. and an 11 hour layover in Brisbane.  Did I mention I’m flying by myself?  I’ve never flown that far by myself.

8 and 11 hours is a LOOONNNGGG time but L.A. should be interesting.  I’m going to document how many famous people I see.  🙂  Don’t worry, I’ll make sure and tweet about all of the new famous friends I’m making.

I really feel like this trip is kicking off a new era of my life.  A new chapter has been opened up and the opening paragraph has me gripped already!

I can’t WAIT to see what comes next!

Hey you! The one with the guitar…

I’d like to introduce myself.  I know you’ve seen me before but I don’t believe we’ve ever met.  My name is Megan.

My name is Megan and I’m single.  Wait…scratch that.  Thats a terrible introduction.  Lets try this again.

Hi.

I don’t know much about you.  Actually I don’t believe I know anything about you other than the fact that you sing and play guitar.  Which, I might add, you do very well.

Yeah…So…

I’m a musician too!  I write songs, play both piano and guitar, and sing.  I sing very well actually.  I really think we would have a lot in common.  Thats at least a start don’t you think?

So heres the thing.  I’d really like a chance.

Just a chance.

If random everyday people can post videos on Youtube addressed to their favorite celebrity and land a night on the town and a candle lit dinner with said individual, then someone like me should have the opportunity to plead my case before the local heartthrob.

Yeah, you didn’t know that about yourself did you?  Or maybe you did…

Anyway, what d’ya say?

I might very well be just the girl your looking for.  Then again I might not.  But how will you ever know how warm the water is if you don’t step into the pool, right?

I’m sorry sir…I’m just the receptionist.

The phone rings.  I answer, “Interactive Systems, how may I direct your call?”

It rings again before I even have the chance to direct the current caller.  Dang multi-line phone systems.  The phone has been silent all morning and then all of a sudden it starts channeling multiple calls at one time!

Its a conspiracy

All of the customers congregate and plot to call in all at the same time.  “Ha!  We’ll get her good this time.”  “You call in first, your accent is so thinck she won’t understand a word your saying.”  “Now you, over there, call and tell her you refuse to be sent to another voicemail.  Oh yeah, that’ll get her good because you know, she doesn’t have a clue how to answer any of your questions!”

I’m sorry sir…I’m just the receptionist.

When the phone stops ringing I get on the internet to look at Beyonce’s fabulous birthing suit.

Because thats news.

The only thing holding me together here is that heavenly voice coming from the Bose speaker sitting on my desk.  Ah….Sameer Gahdia…

The phone rings.  Dang it.

“Interactive systems how may I direct your call?”  Silence.

Tomorrow is my last day.  Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been very grateful for this job.  Its easy and it pays.  But I’ve been misplaced.  Before this I worked at the library.  I actually enjoyed it.  I like books.  And I like people.  I got to see a lot of people while working at the library.  But then I got fired.  I got got fired from the library.

The phone rings.  Silence.  Again

I imagine thats my stalker calling me again.  Not really, but my imagination has to go somewhere to maintain its sanity.  I wonder what its like to have a stalker.  Or an admirer.  I wouldn’t know, I’ve never had one.  I’m never gonna have one if I don’t stop eating.  At least thats what THEY tell me.

I decide to take a look at the weather channel.  I heard that we are expecting snow today.  The headline reads: Real Time Updates : Midwest, North East Snowstorm.

I look up Nashville: “A few snow flurries are possible between 2pm and 3pm.

Yeah, thats what I thought.  Welcome to Nashville y’all!

It doesn’t matter because in a week I’ll be on my way to New Zealand.  The average temperature in Auckland this week?

70 degrees.

Great minds think alike, right?

Ok, so I’m sitting here at work bored out of my mind, pondering over just how unexciting my life currently is and a brilliant idea comes to me!  I ask myself, what do people nowadays pour their interests into?  What is it that gets all of those women that you work with excited and chattering when you get in to the office in the mornings?

Reality television.

Reality television is a 21st century phenomenon that takes the lives of everyone from the most famous (and the most infamous) of hollywood to everyday individuals (average Joes if you will) and makes their lives somehow seem very interesting.  In reality its just a way to feel connected to the world, to feel like you have community and fellowship with a world outside of your own home.

With reality television and blogs and Twitter, suddenly the world doesn’t feel so small.

Is it real?  No.

Do you really know the people your connected with on these “social” outlets?  Not really, no.

Its crazy!  But at the same time it seems that its the only way anymore to get people to hear and notice you.  Its a false sense of reality, yes, but sometimes truth and reality just suck.  So you find yourself resorting to these pseudo relationships because fake ones are better than the ones that don’t exist at all, right?

So what is my brilliant idea?  Well, in truth, its not really that brilliant, nor that original, but I’ve decided to document my life in writing.  Why not share with people what its like to be me.  Yeah, narcissistic I know.  But isn’t it the only way people will get to know you anymore?

So for the old friends that don’t bother to stay in touch with me and the new friends that want to get to know me better, here is your chance.

Here is…well…me!

Heres to the New Year…

As the new year begins I find that people tend to begin feeling a little bit lighter and a little bit more optimistic about the year ahead.  Its kind of a strange phenomenon, this new year ambition.  People tend to feel that a new year means life has given us all a new chapter. A blank slate if you will.  A chance to remedy and correct all of the mishaps and mistakes of the previous year.  We label this new year excitement as a phenomenon because in reality January 1st is just another day in the course of everyone’s life.  One can begin or end a project, a lifestyle, or an ambition any day of the year and have the same chance of success.

So why January 1st?

Despite the somewhat silly notion that resolutions and goals need to begin on January 1st, so many of us take advantage of feeling like we now have a starting point for our clean slate. A launching pad for our ambitions and projects.

So what do I have to say to all of you who have so enthusiastically crafted your 2012 resolutions spreadsheet?

GO FOR IT!!!

I have, I think for the first time in my life, come up with my own 2012 resolutions and goals.  I have already begun my read through the Bible in a year plan, and I have already cut out fast food and soft drinks from my diet.  I am keeping myself physically active and healthy.  I have begun pursuing my dream of being a stage actor/singer by entering myself into the Lotte Lenya Competition for musical theater.  I am participating in a local volunteer playhouse and plan on auditioning for some of the professional theaters around town in the spring.  In two weeks I will be leaving for New Zealand where I will be backpacking with people from around the world!

I have decided not to sit around waiting anymore.

And while a new year’s resolution is great and healthy, the key is to realize that we can (and should) treat every day as if it was January 1st.  Set your goals and if you fall off that diet and exercise wagon, don’t wait until January 1, 2013 to start it back up again because there is no difference between January 1st and July 23.  Every day is a new beginning and should be regarded as such!

So heres to the new year!  I’m going to start writing because frankly, i like to write.  So those who want to journey this year with me great!  I’ll be sharing about my trip to New Zealand, and I’ll let everyone know how all of my auditions go and then everything else that God has planned for me this year!  This leaves me feeling slightly narcissistic but I have a feeling this year is going to be good and when things are good you just feel like sharing!