The battleground of artistic temperament…

by meganlebo

“Artistic temperament sometimes seems a battleground, a dark angel of destruction and a bright angel of creativity wrestling.” – Madeleine L’Engle

I often find that creativity seems to accompany great turmoil and intense pain.  At times it feels that there is no other channel for which to navigate the complexity of human emotion.  Now that doesn’t mean that  hurt and pain bring forth ones artistic expression without difficulty.  On the contrary I have found that the most difficult stages of life seem only to incite a great necessity for artistic expression, not great ease.

Sometimes the act of creating is the only way to find peace.

Many people have difficulty understanding the temperament of an artist.  Its not unusual.  Most of the time I don’t think we fully understand ourselves.  Artists are often viewed as free-spirited and whimsical, which may be accurate at times.  But in truth (at least what I’ve found to be true) it feels that we are constantly trying to break free of some bond that has taken root in our life.

I don’t know, maybe thats just me, but I seem to only feel freedom when I’m creating.

But this world likes to tell you that its not practical to be an artist.  How will you pay for yourself?  Do you know how many people are trying to make it in the music industry?   Everyones an artist.  You are just not being practical.

I understand the money thing.  I do.  But you don’t understand what it feels like to feel that society was just not established with you in mind.

I’m worn out with feeling like I have to apologize for the way that I am.  I’m tired of feeling like I have to suppress my creativity in an attempt to feel normal and accepted by the standards of society.

I’m ready to let go!

The thing is, I’m not sure I really know how to let go.  You’ve never let me.  I’ve tried to meet expectations and have failed.  Not only have I failed but I feel that I have lost a part of myself.  I’ve lost the ability to channel.  I’m high strung and insecure and there is a wall that I’ve built up that seems to have gotten too high.  I can’t seem to climb over it anymore.

The only solution now is to knock it down.  But its going to be a lot harder to knock down that wall than it would be if I could just climb over it.

I know who I am now.  I’m not a teacher.  I’m not an accountant.  I’m not calculated and I’m not organized.  All I can think about is expressing things in a new and fresh way.  New words, new colors, new moves.  I understand emotions and tend to see through people.  I get poetry.  But ultimately and most importantly when I’m creating, I experience fulfillment.  And when all is said and done, and the song is finished, at the end of extracting that which causes such unrest, I experience peace.

And that peace makes it all worth it.