Adjusting my eyes…
Ok, so I know that I said that I would not be blogging or anything for a while but to be honest, I have to write. It is how I deal with the things around me that I cannot comprehend. It is how I cope. Now I still will not be accessing Facebook or Twitter but this blog is linked to both so as I write these entries they will continue to show up.
My life, it seems, is a never ending quagmire of uncertainties and blind spots. Just when it looks as though the ground around me is leveling out and the path ahead seems clear I step into another soft spot and lose the traction that had given me stability and hope. Yet I find that my resolve gets stronger in the face confusion, frustration, and (more often than not) anger. I sometimes feel like Frodo trudging through each difficult pass knowing I’ve been charged with a great task but yet not fully comprehending its purpose or weight.
And I, like Frodo, find myself in lament wishing this task had never fallen upon me.
I have no illusions of grandeur. Or maybe I do. Don’t we all wish to be used and purposed for something greater than ourselves?
Everyone’s relationship and walk with God is very different. It is so easy to look at someone else’s life and then indict God for what we consider withholding or judgment. Why God, does this person get the job, or the husband, or the social life, etc. The list could go on and on and quite frankly does in my case. Every single door it seems gets slammed in face with no real answer as to why, when to me its seemed so perfect and so calculated.
It is like I’m walking around in a room that’s pitch black, full of locked doors except for one. That one door is the one that I simply cannot seem to find. I have circled that room a thousand times knowing that I have tried to open what I feel is every door and yet I know there is an exit. I know its there. I just have to get there.
And maybe this is all just part of the journey. Maybe this is all part of Him teaching me to listen closely. To adjust my eyes to the dim lighting so that I can see clearly in the dark. Its easy not to stumble over something when its clearly illuminated by the light. And to be frank there are many who will still stumble even when things are illuminated. But the only way to avoid stumbling in the darkness is to be immersed in it until your eyes adjust. Until the blackness begins to take shape and become shadows, until the shadows morph into shape, and the shapes become clearly formed objects.
Isn’t this what I asked God for so many years ago? To be molded and shaped into a tool that he can use for His glory? Why then do I envy world around me? I have not been called to chase after my dreams. And for some reason God has not allowed me the freedom to make my own choices as he has many other people. Maybe that’s because he knows me better than I know myself.
I have been called to obedience and that obedience will look different every day. I am learning (and these life lessons have been very hard) to let go. I’m learning to let go of everything. I cannot assume that I know what God’s plan for my life is. I cannot assume that I know what is best for myself. He is calling me to lay down everything I had planned because my plans had become my idol.
And God will not share worship and glory with anything or anyone.