It’s a strange feeling knowing that you’re on the edge of something. The anticipation of revelation or even the progression of it is an exciting event. It is strange and somewhat liberating to be so self aware…and not just self aware but also aware, with heightened sensitivity, of others.
If you ask me, I like knowing.
It’s the uncertainty that drives me into fits of anxiety. Once I am aware then I am at peace and can move forward and act with clarity and precision.
I’m learning how to play the game.
What game you ask? Well, I’ll admit that I am attempting to be vague and mysterious on purpose. It’s just more fun this way.
I really do not like being a novice. It makes me feel insecure, vulnerable, and dependent. While I had for so long desired (desperately I might add) such change in my life I admit that the idea of actual change terrified me. I had not realized how incredibly comfortable I had become with how my life was running. I had embraced my current standing and had owned it as an identity. But I have ventured into a new arena and the game has changed. And I have come to realize that I can actually be a player.
Ok, that’s not what I meant. (You all have dirty minds.) I was speaking metaphorically.
Like the game of chess I have begun to learn the strategies and techniques that make this fun, challenging, and exciting. I have also learned to relax.
I do not know what the outcome will be. The game may be over already and if that’s the case, well, that’s ok. But how long does one wait on the field? I really don’t know.
All I know is that I’d really like to keep playing…its just not my move anymore.